2010年 08月 14日 土曜日 00:57

Everyone from my mom's family is by nature introverted, but we love each other a lot as a family. I don't know about my great grandfather from my mother's side, because he died in WWII, and my great grandmother died of a weird sickness. But I know my great grandfather is introverted, because he clearly looks disgusted when he is around of a lot of people, or in parties, or any other kind of social interaction that gathers horrible multitudes in a single place. My mother is the same, she has her selected group of friends with whom she shares her secrets, but an invitation to a party is an invitation to hell, so is for my brother, who is only awfully open with us, his family members, and with me: I hate parties, a lot of social interaction, I even hate to keep close friendships because I'm afraid to lose them or have them brainwashed by those octopuses from society which only like to drink, fuck, smoke, and have fun. Although I do appreciate my few friends a lot, but that's another story for another time.

I love to be alone. In nature, in my room, in huge closed spaces, wherever. But this is my last year of school, and it has been interfering with my personal mental sanity and privacy and I just can't wait for it to end, for once and for all. All of a sudden, it looks like all the people you have been studying with gets the virtual, not to mention selfish idea that "it's our last year, we have to enjoy it and be together!". Well guess what idiots, I don't give a flying duck about being with you at all, it's not that I hate you, and I know you don't hate me, but I don't share the same ideas of extrovert-ism, unity, love "your friends you have been with all your life" and "we have to love and enjoy the same goddamn parties!". What the burning hell is up with people thinking that we all share the same ideas and that we have the same interests? They assume I love to go and get drunk like a cheap low-level bitch like they do, but in reality I don't. I am genuinely concerned about abused children and children in pain and my classmates wouldn't move a finger for them even if a 0.37 gun was aiming at them viciously between their eyes. What is worse, is that it's actually their dream to have "everyone they have shared their childhood with" in their life and expectations, they never consider the fact that there are people who simply want to get rid of them for the rest of their lives because my dreams, my life, my expectations are completely different and don't have one damn thing in common to begin with. Unfortunately, I have to comply with their selfish wishes if I ever want to get rid of them. But I sure will make sure I don't do some just to piss them. Again, I need to highlight the fact I don't hate them, but they sure know how to be a bunch of mental three year old individuals that have to include you in their dreams because otherwise they become a bunch of stereotypical emos who cut themselves just because you really don't want to be part of their expectations, and I really hope I'm just talking figuratively here.

Parties are horrible. The music they put is not good, it's just music you can "dance" to, but it's meaningless music. Many times they play Reggeaton and Cumbias in the parties around here, and that's even a lot worse because they tend to treat women like mere sexual objects, and what is worse is that almost every women that goes to them submits herself to this kind of brutal dehumanization. Other than the horrible setting, the atmosphere is terrible.The music is too loud, their are annoying lights everywhere which soon or later are going to cause someone an epilepsy attack, and the smoke kills your nose (all that if you hate parties), the smell of cigarettes is one of the most horrible odors in the phase of earth, and those confined spaces smell like they were tobacco burning industries. Then we have the people, in terrible masses, dancing like brainless monkeys, drinking like there is no tomorrow, smoking like it was a healthy thing to do, or in one corner we have a small tumor of people fighting because one of them accidentally spilled coke into the other one's shirt or because his face is stupid, and it's really annoying trying to find your way to a mere restroom or to the exit. Your "friends" (which I really refuse to call them that) have the bad habit of drinking "just one cup" of beer with each friend "for the good ol' times", and obviously, when you do that with all the 70 people that have shared memories with you throughout your childhood, they can't expect to keep an stable mental sanity during the whole party. What kills me the most is that people say that "it's so fun!", "you are going to freaking love it!", and "you are finally going to meet your ideal person there!". Okay no, just no. First, how can you "have fun" when you drink bottles of alcohol showing your obvious dependence for it? You are going to forget any "fun" you had there anyways, if there was ever any to begin with, unless of course you consider slowly killing your brain to be "the ultimate fun ever". Then, how am I going to freaking love it? Not every individual likes parties. In this case, a party is totally out of my interests, totally out of what I love, totally out of what I consider to be "fun". A party it's not my ecosystem, it's not my natural area, it's not a place where I feel comfortable because guess what? I WAS NOT MADE FOR STUPID SOCIAL INTERACTIONS. And finally, how in hell will I met the love of my life there? My ideal partner would be someone who has three requisites: Is not devoted to any religion, has potential to be a great parent and a family individual, and finally, doesn't consider social interaction to be important and fun. There are lots of hot, sexy, cute individuals in party, but I have just one personal law I need to fulfill: If I ever "fall in love" with someone at these kind of parties, I will politely ask my real friends to bitchslap as hard as they can. The last thing I want is a partner who is dependent of alcohol and that likes parties. I have been dreaming with having two little girls ever since I was 15, and I really want someone who is a family individual and who will love them, will play with them, and will give them everything they need. I hate parties, but I think having a family like that, were both parents share a lot of time with their kids, is ideal. It's a nice experience, it's life, it's real adulthood.

If you read all that, you may probably be asking to yourself where the heck is the epiphany you were talking about? I grew in a nice family. I really love my brother, I really love my mother, and I really love(d?) by dad. My parents divorced when I was 9, my father went to Spain two years after that and I haven't had much contact with him ever since (I even forgot about his birthday this year and really looks like it hurt him… I however, swear it wasn't my intention to hurt him). I used to spend a lot of time with my brother, and he does teach me the stuff I don't understand in school, and I'm grateful he has the patience to deal with me. My mom is really the best mother in whole universe (a child would easily say that, but my brain is developed enough for me to know that I really love her and appreciate it), but I don't remember ever playing with her in my childhood. My dad well… I don't quite understand my feelings about him up to this point but he was a great dad when I was a kid, and I really loved him as a dad. He actually played with me, and did a bunch of nice things for me. I lost a lot of contact with him when he left, but he comes every now and then, like for my brother's graduation, or simply for a vacation and we see him every now and then and talk a little. My dad is completely opposite to the rest of the family: Extroverted, had an affair with another woman when I was little, loves party, alcohol, social events… But I still loved him a lot, I was too young to even understand what an "affair" was, he did pay me a lot of attention after all even thought I stopped seeing him so much the year he divorced from my mom. The epiphany is, I was completely heartbroken when my dad left my house, even thought I got over it quite quickly without anyone's help, but I have always wondered, why? Why did he have to leave? That kind of questions bugged me for a long time. I started to ponder a lot about my family's introvert-ism, like a week ago, because a stupid party I was obligated to assist and everything I said about people needing you for their expectations, and it all made my sense: My dad loves parties, and I remember how he wanted me to assist a plethora of parties while he was here since he was "loved" by society and wanted me to be a social freak, and the divorce just helped me keep my mental sanity because if it wasn't for that, I would have had to assist a whole lot of social events in my life, and my dad would have been disappointed if he was there and I didn't.

That's all. Does it look like a rant? You probably assumed I just got back from a social zoo.